I’ve been going to the gym since I was 19. I’ve been to all types of gyms. The Y, hardcore gyms, apartment complex gyms and the “We’re Not A Gym” gym: Planet Fitness. They all have one thing in common: annoying people. I know that no matter how many different things I can think of that once I post this I’ll come up with a million more. But screw it, let’s go!
People Who Don’t Wipe Down Benches and Machines: I won’t lie. I don’t do this 100% of the time but I’d say I do it close to 95%. It’s just common courtesy. There are times when I’m at the beginning of my workout and I don’t leave any sweat spots or anything but it’s just the decent thing to do. It shows you’re making a small effort to be a decent human being. Then you have some people that look like a morbidly obese wooly mammoth that leave an ocean sized puddle of sweat and just waddle away without even thinking about wiping down their machine. C’mon. I know that bending over might be too close to doing a crunch but the next person who uses that machine doesn’t want to risk drowning in your ass sweat.
Wipe down that machine, sexy!
People Who Talk To Me In The Middle Of My Workout: No, I’m not talking about someone trying to talk to me while I’m resting in between sets (we’ll get to that). I’m talking about people talking to me while I’m literally in between reps 6 and 7. How fucking stupid are you? Seriously? I’m doing bench presses and guys come up to me and ask, “You using this?” while pointing to a plate. “NO I’M NOT USING THAT! I’M USING THE MOTHAFUCK’N PLATES I’M LIFTING AT THIS VERY FUCKING MOMENT!” Jesus! First off, obviously I’m busy. Secondly, I’ll be done in about seven seconds so just fuck’n wait. Thirdly, walk your lazy ass ten feet further and you could grab the same exact plate you’re asking me about.
People That Thing I’m At The Gym To Socialize: I like to think of myself as a generally nice guy. But when I’m at the gym I’m in a zone. I’m there to fuck shit up and get big! I take a minimum amount of rest time in between sets and I really don’t like to be interrupted. 99.9% of the time I have ear buds in. There are those rare occasions when I’m in a rush and I forget my iPod at home and I’m forced to listen to the music the gym has on (again, more on that one later). So why do people still feel the need to come up to me and start talking? They can see (I’m assuming). Their eyes can see the ear buds in my ears yet their mouths start moving like I can hear what they’re saying. I try my hardest not to make eye contact with them in hopes that they’ll just turn around and go away but these types of bastards are pretty persistent. Finally, I have to take one of my ear buds out and listen to whatever nonsense they decide to strike up a meaningless conversation about. Sometimes it’ll be about a sports team because I’m wearing a t-shirt with that team’s logo. Other times it might be about a band’s t-shirt I’m wearing. Other times it’ll be about my tattoos. Other times it’ll be about nothing relevant WHATSOEVER and I have to rack my brain thinking, “Do I know this fuck’n guy? He sure is talking to me like we were friends at some point in life.”
Unless you’re a single, attractive female I’m the last three.
I’m totally cool with, “Hey, that was an awesome game last night, huh? Have a good workout buddy.” Or, “I saw them live twice last year. Awesome show. Take it easy.” That’s all good. But when someone I don’t know starts asking personal questions that I probably wouldn’t even reveal on a first date that’s when I have to cut them off and get back to what I was originally doing: being a BEAST mothafuckas!
Hint: I didn’t.
Girls Who Treat The Gym Like a Bar or Club: I’m never going to complain about seeing hot girls wearing tight and revealing clothes at the gym. I do have a problem if you go there strictly to get guy’s attention. Why don’t you go home and post some slutty pics on Instagram with captions like, “Ugh, bad hair day” or “Ewww, looking rough” while fishing for compliments. And I really can’t stand the girls who do these attention craving things and then act offended when people look at them. Oh, you’re wearing booty shorts with half your ass hanging out and doing squats? Nah, no one’s gonna look. Oh, you have you’re glowing iPod shoved in between your giant tits so that you light up like Iron Man but don’t want guys staring? Good call. I already hate distractions in the gym and now I’m gonna have to start doing long division in my head to try to get rid of this raging hard on you’ve just given me. And you should never have your hair and makeup done up like you’re about to have a night at the Roxbury. Why would you? On more than one occasion I’ve seen girls who look pretty good at the gym and then see them after they shower and put on their work or casual clothes and thing, “Damn! She cleans up nice!”
“Don’t look at me, perv!”
People Who Don’t Re-Rack Their Weights/Plates: This. Pisses. Me. OFF. Ever since you’re a little kid haven’t you been told to “put it back where you found out?” Why should that change now? You take something that isn’t yours that you’re going to use for a short time and you return it to where the fuck you got it from. You’re seriously gonna do some dumbbell presses and then just drop them on the floor and walk away? What kind of prick are you? I know you don’t wanna lose your gains with cardio but pick that shit up and walk the five feet over to the rack and put those motherfuckers back. And after you’re done doing your bench presses take the damn plates off and put those back too. And since you’re already being a kickass human being and returning your weights could you do me one more small favor? Put them back in the right fuck’n spots! Don’t put the 45lb plates where the 5lb plates go. Don’t put 20lb dumbbells where the 80s go. You can read. You can count. I hope. I may be making a big assumption with some people here.
C’mon, brah! Gym Etiquette.
Music At The Gym: Now most of the time this isn’t an issue but like I mentioned before there are those horrible, horrible times when you forget your iPod or the battery dies. It doesn’t matter what gym I’ve been to they always seem to play the same somber, elevator type shit. How the fuck am I supposed to go HAM (for you non gym goers that’s “Hard As a Mothafucka”) while the gym is blaring Elton John, William Joel or James Taylor? I feel like they’re doing their best to discourage you from having a good workout.
People’s Attire: There are a few different issues I have with this. I really don’t give a damn what you wear to the gym. But some stuff just doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand why some guys wanna workout in an outfit that looks like they’re heading to work on Casual Friday. Really, guy? You wanna work out in Docker khakis and a button down shirt? Most people I’ve seen do this are members of the infamous Planet Fitness (rant coming up on this place later). I’ve seen people in cargo pants, Hawaiian shirts, dress shoes, Timberlands and sandals. This is asinine. You’re telling me you don’t have a pair of shorts, sneakers and a t-shirt? Hell, Planet Fitness even gives you a fuck’n t-shirt when you sign up. And if you’re not trying to cut weight for an upcoming wresting, boxing or MMA fight then take your fucking hood OFF. And don’t you fuck’n dare workout with sunglasses on. At one of my gyms a woman had problems with her eyes and it was necessary for her to wear sunglasses. Obviously, that’s fine. But if you’re just a Jersey Shore wannabe douche bag who thinks this is somehow stylish then you deserve the worst case of herpes available.
“It’s so damn bright in this gym. Anyone want some head?”
Noobs And People Who Just Don’t Know What The Fuck They’re Doing: I would never judge someone (Judgment Free Zone!… Planet Fitness reference) or put someone down for putting forth a serious effort to get in shape at the gym. Everyone has to start from somewhere. But for the love of God if you really don’t know what the fuck you’re doing then hire a personal trainer or go with a friend who’s familiar with the gym or at the very, very least read the instructions and look at the picture on the machine to get a slight clue as of how to use it.
Almost, sweetheart. Almost.
Then there are the people who are just wasting time there. I understand not everyone can bench 500lbs or do a full on sprint for 30 minutes but if you’re on the treadmill doing 0.3 MPH on the treadmill then just stay home. You’re wasting your time and you’re wasting your money on a gym membership. I once saw a girl on the treadmill with a Coke in one cup holder and a bag of M&M’s in the other. Genius! She could do a decent pace for an hour and would have still consumed more calories than she burned off while snacking on those awesome gym supplements.
And for any serious gym goer the most annoying time of the year is January. You get all the phony bullshitters who say, “I’m gonna join a gym this year and get fuck’n ripped and sexy!” They all sign up and clog up the God damn gym like it’s Black Friday at Best Buy, take up all the machines and weights, don’t know what the shit they’re doing and then quit before the calendar flips to February. And the best part? They’re probably signed into at least a 12 month contract where they’ll have their membership fees taken out while they sit at home eating chips and watching “The Biggest Loser”.
Guys Who Enjoy Being Naked In The Locker Room A Little Too Much: I never understood this. Of course dudes are gonna get naked in the gym. You gotta change and you gotta take showers. That’s all fine and well. But then you’ll have guys that’ll stand around or sit on a bench completely ass naked and hold a five or ten minute conversation… with another naked dude. And a lot of these guys will have a towel draped over their shoulder. Hey, buddy, how about wrapping that badboy around your waist, huh?
The Advice Givers: Every gym has a few of these. You’re in the middle of a set and you catch a dude completely eye fucking the shit outta you. You finish up and he’s already making his way over. “Hey buddy, you know if you did this instead of that blah blah blippity bloo blah.” I never listen to these douche muffins. I know what the fuck I’m doing. And, seriously? My forearm is bigger than your thigh, bro. Get to kickin’ rocks.
Posers and Tough Guys: Walking around like you’re a tough guy doesn’t make you one. These little twiggy guys walking around in wife beaters acting like they’re gangstas but can’t curl 15lbs properly should just fuck off. You’re not there for a serious work out and you’re probably only there so you can brag about working out. And here’s an unwritten rule of the gym: If you’re walking towards somebody and someone has to get out of the way, the smaller guy always moves. There’s no debating this. One time I also saw a couple of skinny high school kids loading up a barbell with probably 450lbs. There’s NO WAY IN HELL they’d be able to lift this together so I had to watch to see what their end game was. Finally, after about 10 minutes of struggling to load all the weight on the bar one of them gets onto the bench under the weight. Another gym goer sees this and says, “What the fuck are you doing?” The other kid pulls out his cell phone and says, “Just taking pics to put on Facebook.” UGH. Way to waste time and use up weights other people could have been using.
This post ended up being a lot longer than I had anticipated so I’m gonna do a completely different post on the thousands of reasons Planet Fitness sucks. I know as soon as I post this I’m gonna think of a half dozen more reasons but eh, it is what it is. Feel free to leave comments about stupid people that annoy you at the gym and the mind numbingly stupid things they do.
IT’S STILL YO’ MOTHAFUCK’N SET!!! – CT Fletcher